Thursday, December 30, 2004
So it should have been little surprise, given the season, when she one day asked "is the story about Jesus real?" My daughter attended pre-school at a local church, and so became familiar with many of the stories, even if she's not 100% accurate (she once drew a picture of "Gesis being celd by the cros" that seemed to show it falling on Him like a tree might). We have occasionally attended the same church since and talked a small bit about the teachings. But am I being honest, not just with my daughter but with myself?
I've obliquely referred to my faith issues before, but will provide a little more background here. Like many in America, I had a moderate Christian upbringing (Presbyterian), including Sunday School and Church regularly if not every single week. I grew up with the stories, full of faith and confidence. Sometime after going to college, though, I seemed to drift, questioning myself more than my faith. I had no confidence if I had really believed or if I had just been acting like I believed, fooling even myself. The more I traveled and the more non-Christians I came to know and care for further made me question the teachings. In fact, my wife and her family, whom I love dearly, are not Christian. Is Jesus really "the way, the truth, and the light?" What did he mean when He said "whosoever shall deny me before men, him will I also deny before my Father which is in heaven?" Are my friends, family and loved ones to be cast aside because they do not believe? How capricious this sounds.
Before we had children we discussed church and religion and the role it might play in raising our children. Both of us feel that the right church can be a very positive effect, providing much-needed confirmation of our moral teachings outside the home as well as providing a set of peers with similar values. It is much easier for a child to resist temptations we cannot control if they have the moral support of peers and if their values have been reinforced by adults other than their parents. On the other hand, though, I most decidedly never want my children taught "Christians go to Heaven and heathens go to Hell," especially considering that their Mother and half of their family are heathens in this light. Even if not explicitly stated, the underlying assumption of this premise is strong where I live. So, am I just using the church to get what I want from it and being disingenuous in my participation?
Let me be clear. I really wish I had the faith I once seemed to display. I so much want the peace, comfort and security that is promised by the belief in Jesus, his Resurrection and God's promise of eternal life in Him, but cannot in all honesty claim it for myself. Is it possible to give this gift to my children, a gift that is not mine to give and that I don't even have? And at what price? I will never deny the righteousness and worth of my wife and her family, nor would I ever hope my children to do so, even by implication.
And so, when my daughter asks "is the story about Jesus real?" it is easy for me in my mind to reconcile telling her Christmas celebrates His birth and the promise of God's love for us, even if I may have reservations about the virgin birth. But as Easter approaches and the greater mysteries and miracles of Christianity wait to be discussed, what then? How can I, in all honesty, tell her the Resurrection really happened while some part of my heart denies His divinity and His path to the Kingdom of Heaven? Six year-olds look to their fathers for truth, certainty, clarity and strength, not for theological discussions of disparate faiths. When next this question is asked, what will I have to offer in this regard?
Tuesday, December 07, 2004
I was on an LST during Third Class cruise (summer between Freshman and Sophomore years), living the enlisted life. One day I was assigned to clean the head, and as I was elbow-deep in a piece of gear my attitude was notably sour. "I can't believe this," I grumbled to myself, "I'm only here for four weeks and they waste my time doing this." After all, I could have been learning about RADAR or the communications equipment or navigation or hundreds of other topics that would be useful in my future as a Naval Officer. Instead I was on the deck in the head, two down and eight to go. And that's when it hit me, like a silver bullet between the eyes. Everybody on that ship felt exactly the same. Even the lowest non-rated Seaman Appentice had something more important to do than to clean other people's waste from porcelin. But it was still a job that needed to be done and I realized that as an Officer I would be called upon to lead people in all sorts of unpleasant and sometimes menial tasks simply because they needed to be done.
In retrospect, there was nothing about that ship's RADAR, navigation, engineering or anything else that was so unique or vital that I couldn't have learned later. I could always learn more about enlisted sailors' rates and jobs any time I needed. What I was on that cruise to do, however, was to learn about the enlisted sailor himself. I came to see that cleaning that head, feeling the frustration and anger that every sailor feels in the exact same situation was really one of the most important thing I could have done. I still didn't like it much, but I knew it needed to be done and that, for the time being, it was my job to do.